Crummy Church Signs

“You’ll notice a turtle only makes progress when it sticks its neck out.”
submitted by frequent contributor Richard S.
You’ll notice that’s also the only time it gets its head lopped off.

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“Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?”
submitted by frequent contributor Richard S.
This blog is proof that this sign is untrue
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“Why is the person who invests your money called a broker?”
submitted by frequent contributor Richard S.
Don’t mind them: They’re just bitter after they invested their entire savings into Mervyn’s.

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“A penny saved is a government oversight.”
submitted by frequent contributor Richard S.
Enjoy that tax-exempt status while it lasts!

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Thanks to Richard for the mother lode of church signs. Richard thinks this church has heard about my site and is just after the free publicity.

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I need your help! As well as continuing to click the smiley button below this paragraph, I am once again a finalist in Diesel’s caption contest. Go vote for the funniest caption!

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“All roads lead to God.”
submitted by frequent contributor Rev. Wes Kenney
So Jesus lied?

I love that it’s from a Missionary Baptist Church. What do their missionaries preach? “Thumbs up!” all around? “Keep up the good work, you child sacrificers! We’ll meet you all on the other side!”

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“A prayer in time saves thine.”
submitted by Dan C.
…ass?

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“Living Foregivness”
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor BRWombat
The first in a sermon series, to be followed by “Living Mrecy”, “Living Graec”, and “Living Lvoe”.

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“Souls wanted: Dead or Alive!”
submitted/asst. reviewed by frequent contributor Mary E.
I’m a preacher. On a steel pulpit I ride….

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And finally, from the “Ask and You Shall Receive” Department. This sign was submitted without a picture a few days ago, and I mentioned that I wished a picture of the sign existed. Well, thanks to contributor Randy B., here it is:

Zounds.

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As a math teacher, I loved Lisa’s post yesterday. If you’re a math person, you need to check it out. Anyone who’s ever struggled in any subject will find it amusing, too. I remember this being the exact material where I decided that I would teach no higher than a Pre-Cal course. Hilarious stuff.

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“Sun. Sermon Series. Problem People. The Lazy. Financial Peace.”
submitted by Ladyojos
Next week’s “Problem People”: The judgmental.

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“Anything that takes the place of God is a nothing.”
submitted by frequent contributor Rev. Wes Kenney
Seems to me that if whatever it is can dethrone God, there must be something to worry about.

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“Prayer and encouragement work. Judgment will backfire.”
submitted by frequent contributor Trevor P.
Unless you’re a judge.

Note: This sign really isn’t all that crummy. What’s missing is the ultimate goal. How do prayer and encouragement “work”? What are they accomplishing?

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“Join us here on Sunday. God does.”
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Allen’s Brain
Yeah, He just pops in for the donuts and coffee…

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Leave it to the CCS nation to respond to a call to arms. Friday I asked for submissions, and today I am standing in some pretty high cotton. I have at least two weeks worth of signs ready to go, and some of them are unbelievably crummy. Thanks a ton to everyone who sent them in! Of course, I always need submissions, so don’t hesitate to send them in if you have some.

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“Removing weeds from gardens. Matthew 13.”
submitted by frequent contributors Ryan and Nancy DeVries
It’s a new concept in church services: You perform manual labor around the church grounds while the sermon is pumped out over loudspeakers.

Note: What’s interesting is the parable in Matthew 13 is the parable of the wheat and tares, similar to the one referenced in the previous post (the “…bearded darnel” sign.) However, that parable isn’t meant to be about how we remove “weeds” from “gardens”. At least, that’s not how Jesus explained it.

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“Patience is a virtue which carries a lot of wait!”
seen here on Flickr by frequent contributor Ironic Catholic
And gluttony is a vice that carries a lot of….oh, never mind.

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“In Sweden, it is illegal to teach a seal to balance a ball on it’s nose.”
submitted AND reviewed by Minh N.
….but here in America, have we got a show for you!!

(Man, I wish there was a picture of this one…)

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“Save money on gas: Walk with God.”
submitted AND reviewed by Kendra N.
Disclaimer: Walking with God will not actually save you money on gas.

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Thanks to all of you who have been willing to vote for me on humor-blogs. Since an initial downturn when this new rating system began, Crummy Church Signs has been FLYING up the charts of funny blogs. I really, really appreciate it and hope you don’t grow too tired of my nagging (or the voting)
For those of you already on BlogCatalog, please add me as a friend and give a review of my blog. It seems like the next-best aggregator of humor blogs, so I decided to give it a whirl and see if I can’t continue to increase traffic around these parts.

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Finally for today: I need submissions , ESPECIALLY picture submissions. So if some of my frequent contributors out there are sitting on a stockpile, this would be a great time to send ‘em in. As of now, I have Monday’s post covered and that’s it! It’s been a while since I’ve been this short. I chalk it up to summer doldrums (it happened last summer as well, I believe). Just remember to take your cameras with you on your family vacations to snap pictures of all the crumminess!

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“If you ain’t fighting the devil he’s done got u.”
seen here on Flickr /post title by f.c. Ironic Catholic
And ironically, this church probably still preaches from the King James Version.

(Note the little devil that the photographer added to the sign….)

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“Why am I here?”
submitted AND reviewed by new contributor Christopher E.
Today’s sermon by Admiral Stockdale.

Thanks to Christopher for one of the most obscure (yet hilarious) reviews in CCS history.

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“Weed and feed.”
submitted by frequent contributor Sandi Y.
I thought most Christians were partial to “Surf and turf”.

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“Whole wheat or bearded darnel?”
submitted by frequent contributor Hilary S.
This sign doesn’t make a grain of sense.

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Frequent contributor Kelly Q. sent me a link to this article on Relevant Magazine, a former outlet for some of my less-snarky writing. It’s pretty relevant (ha!) to the material in this blog, so check it out when you get a chance.

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“Can anyone beleive anything anymore?”
submitted by frequent contributor Jack M.
Well, I “beleive” that “i” comes before “e” except after “c”.

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“For lease.
I loose salvation in this city and bind darkness.”
submitted by frequent contributor Ryan and Nancy DeVries
Unfortunately this city had strict leash laws, and the church was fined for allowing salvation to roam free.

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“Calmness should be the cradle of power.”
submitted by frequent contributor Ryan and Nancy DeVries
But sheer panic is when power gets up out of the cradle and starts really making some headway.

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Ryan and Nancy got in one last sign before leaving India, then sent a sign they saw basically on their way home from the airport in Michigan. Glad to have your family back Stateside!

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“Let us go forth therefore unto him without the camp, bearing his reproach.”
submitted by frequent contributor Miriam F.
If we’re going to proceed without the camp, we’d better lose all of our church signs.

Note: This is another Bible verse that makes little sense on its own out of context. You almost need to include at least one of the surrounding verses for it to make sense.

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“It is not big, it is mega.”
submitted by frequent contributor Miriam F.
That’s what she said.

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“Body piercing explained here.”
submitted by new contributor Kristina S.
“First, make sure to disinfect the area…”

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“The Bedrock of Faith: Yabba Dabba Do, God loves you.”
submitted by frequent contributor Tara
I wish someone would turn most church signs into a pile of…Rubble.

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That last one is a variation of one from a long time ago (the earlier one left off “The Bedrock of Faith…” part). The original review was “Wiiiiillllllmaaaaaaaa!!”.

Hey, now that people are actively voting against me at humor-blogs, I really need those of you who actually like this stuff to place votes in favor of each post. Thanks so much.

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“Feeling like an alien? We have space for you.”
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Tara
In church, no one can hear you scream.

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“This Sunday - Put on your armor!”
submitted by frequent contributor Laura R.
That’s right — we’re having church at the Renaissance Festival!!

(The winner of the joust doesn’t have to tithe this week.)

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“Now enrolling one-year olds.”
submitted by Bibberly
Clearly not adherents to the theology of infant baptism.

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“Where are you going and why are you in that handbasket?”
Why are you paving my way with good intentions?

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You’ll note a new button below. Remember, if you think this is a funny blog, it’d be nice for you to vote for each post at humor-blogs.com. This new button shows how many votes each post has received. I figure I’ll stay in the top 10 or so blogs (measured by the second new button in the right-hand sidebar) if we can keep each post in double figures. Happy clicking and voting!!

“Don’t open a can of worms unless you are going fishing!”
submitted by frequent contributor Micah L.
Well…Jesus was always fond of a good fishing metaphor…

…or a bad one?

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“Worry does not empty tomorrow of sorrow, but today of strength!”
submitted by frequent contributor Micah L.
Yeah, your tomorrow is gonna suck regardless. Just go with it.

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“When you get to your wits end you’ll find God there.”
submitted by frequent contributor Micah L.
Coincidentally, when we get to God’s wits end, we’ll find you.

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“If the truth hurts, then it’s wrong.”
submitted by Melissa G.
Yes, it’s best to just flatter everyone all the time.

Oh. Wait…

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Click these, please:

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